I feel the need for a change, or that a change is going to happen. What that is, I’m not sure. I could wait around to see what happens, but then, I’d only fret about every small thing that occurs differently and wonder if that’s the change. How can I welcome change without fearing it?
I’ve been rather blessed in my life and I’m lucky that there isn’t anything major for myself that I’m leaning on God, rather it’s the little day-to-day stuff. If I was going to change anything about myself, it would be the amount of procrastination that I do. I always feel that there is time “later” to get things done. It’s not that I’m replacing it with other meaningful activities, but rather indulging in the ability to relax. It’s like Newton’s first law of motion, ‘A body at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force acts on it…’ The thought that keeps going through my head is that if I want to change, I need to be the one to want that change. In Mark’s gospel, the father of a possessed boy asks Jesus, “If out the kindness of your heart you can do anything to help us, please do!” Jesus calls the man out for his lack of faith saying, “If you can? Everything is possible to a man who trusts.” The father’s response is a prayer I pray daily, “ I do believe! Help my unbelief!” (Mk 9:22-25) The first step to any change is to want it, and not just kinda-sorta want it, but really, truly, deep-down with all your heart want it.
Why do I want to change? That is a question I need to fully investigate. Changing how much I procrastinate seems like a no-brainer, but other changes that I may want to pursue should be carefully considered. Change for the sake of change does not make me a better person, just a different person. But if a change will aid me in my journey to heaven and be of benefit to those around me, those are the ones I need to pursue. I also need to understand that sometimes I’ll succeed, but there will be many challenging times when I feel prompted to do something and instead sit down and say I’ll do it later. I need to remember that even living in-person with Jesus, the Apostles ran away when He was arrested. It’s only after the coming of the Holy Spirit that they were fortified enough to go to the ends of the earth to preach the Good News.
Usually change takes time. In this day of instant everything, the slow process of change can be frustrating to the point of quickly giving up. Its slowness can also mean that we don’t even realize we’re changing. While the gospels record Jesus healing numerous people instantly, even without Him being present, He also took three years to prepare His disciples and the people for His death, resurrection and ascension into heaven. It took the Israelites 40 years of wandering in the desert before they reached the promised land. If I give up on pursuing changing myself, I give up on the graces God has given me, and continues to give me, to help me change.
It may take a lifetime, and that’s okay. I just need to keep reminding myself, change begins with me.