I believe that God is in control of all aspects of my life. At least that’s what I tell myself.
As much as I try to turn things over to God, I am always surprised by how much I hold onto. I do trust that He has my best interests in His plans. Yet as much as I tell Him I’m turning this part of my life over to His care and direction, somewhere down the road I find a piece of that I have held onto. Sometimes it’s because things are working smoothly in that area of my life and I don’t think that it needs His intervention. Other times it could be that I’m afraid that He will challenge me to seek His will in a way that I would not choose. It’s like I want to do His will as long as it’s the same as mine.
Fear is an interesting motivator. It makes us think that we have control over a situation, when in reality, it is only our response to the situation that we can control. When I find some part of my life I am still trying to control, I try to figure out why. Usually it comes down to the fact that I’m afraid of what God can do. I’ve gotten used to one perspective or a bad habit, and I’m afraid that changing it will hurt. But as a Catholic, when I really look at what God has provided so far, I feel quite foolish in my reasoning. He has blessed me with so much: life, faith, home and family. So why should I fear the hurt and disruption that change can bring? God has proved Himself more than generous in many areas where I have allowed Him to lead. It’s these nooks and crannies that I’ve hidden, both from God and myself, that can trip me up in my relationship with Him.
The journey to find the places of myself that I haven’t given over to God’s guidance will last a lifetime and perhaps even beyond. I may need purgatory to cleanse those tiny places that keep me from a complete relationship with Him. I am grateful that He is both mercy and love; patiently encouraging me to search those nooks and crannies and face my fears with the help of His grace.