relationship with God

Catholic Girl Journey

Believe and behave

It bothered me that I was bothered. But I think I was bothered because I could have done better. I know life is not a test, or a series of tests, rather it is a constant opportunity to practice. Still, I know I could have done better and it bothered me.

After spending most of the week attending a business conference, I took advantage of being out west to take a trip to the Grand Canyon. It never ceases to amaze me how inconsiderate people can be. They are so wrapped up in themselves that they don’t realize when and how much their actions affect others. There were a number of little things that really annoyed me on the 2-1/2 hour bus ride out to the western rim of the Grand Canyon. Here I was, blessed with the ability (means, time and opportunity) to experience one of God’s amazing creations, and I was silently fuming at my fellow passengers. While one woman did offhandedly thank me for letting her have her way, I was less than gracious; and that really started to bother me. “I shouldn’t feel this way,“ I kept telling myself, “it’s not all about me.” But the little devil on my shoulder nagged me that  it was unfair for me not to have my way too.

That evening as I made my way browsing around some shops, I saw a magnet that really made me feel like I got smacked in the face. Among the tasteless quotes that were displayed was one that read, “Your beliefs do not make you a better person, your behavior does.” Ouch! It was like a beacon reminding me that I could have done better in practicing my faith. When we recite the Penitential Act at Mass, we confess to God the thoughts and the actions not taken that are less than the Catholic ideal. While I may not have been outright mean in my words or actions, the thoughts and brusqueness of my attitude should have been tempered by more compassion towards my fellow travelers. I felt like I failed, and in a way I did. But each new day gives me new opportunities to try again. After a day like that, I was wishing that acting like a Catholic was more instinct rather than thoughtful choice.

Jesus never said His way would be our natural reaction, or that we would never fail. Rather He gave us the ultimate model to follow when he said, “Father, forgive them; they do not know what they are doing.” (Lk 23:34) Acknowledging our shortcomings is a step in learning to follow Jesus. Perhaps next time, I can recognize the opportunity sooner and be more mindful of practicing my faith so that I can be a better person.

Catholic Girl Journey

Act like a princess

It seems the items that interest me on Netflix all have some sort of royalty in them. Whether it is a movie, a series or a documentary about real or make believe monarchies, a common story line is the requirement to act the part, especially in public. It’s usually contrasted when the character or person has presented themselves less that what is expected. I must admit that the thought has crossed my mind more than once, “I’m glad I don’t need to worry about that.” But then again, maybe I do?!

Being a daughter of God, who is the Kings of Kings, wouldn’t that make me a princess? Before I go ordering a tiara, let’s think about this. When Jesus came, there were no parades, just a few simple shepherds and 3 very select wise men who came to welcome Him. His crown was of thorns and His throne was the cross. While those aspects are not typical, His actions, that of a leader and setting the example for others, are common factors between Jesus and any earthly ruler.  

What would acting like a princess of God look like? We have plenty of examples in the saints. High on the list would include loving every person with the same love and compassion that Jesus has for me. Another would be setting the example of following the commandments by living them in my daily life. It may not be waving at crowds of strangers, but a smile or wave could help brighten a person’s day. Help those in need in whatever means available: by time, money and/or talent. It sounds like much the same as being a follower of Christ, doesn’t it?

Just like earthly rulers, we will fall short of those expectations. It doesn’t mean we stop trying, it just means we try harder. Perhaps in do so, we can bring a little bit of God’s kingdom here to our corner of the earth.

Catholic Girl Journey

Change begins with me

I feel the need for a change, or that a change is going to happen. What that is, I’m not sure. I could wait around to see what happens, but then, I’d only fret about every small thing that occurs differently and wonder if that’s the change. How can I welcome change without fearing it?

I’ve been rather blessed in my life and I’m lucky that there isn’t anything major for myself that I’m leaning on God, rather it’s the little day-to-day stuff. If I was going to change anything about myself, it would be the amount of procrastination that I do. I always feel that there is time “later” to get things done. It’s not that I’m replacing it with other meaningful activities, but rather indulging in the ability to relax. It’s like Newton’s first law of motion, ‘A body at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force acts on it…’ The thought that keeps going through my head is that if I want to change, I need to be the one to want that change. In Mark’s gospel, the father of a possessed boy asks Jesus, “If out the kindness of your heart you can do anything to help us, please do!” Jesus calls the man out for his lack of faith saying, “If you can? Everything is possible to a man who trusts.” The father’s response is a prayer I pray daily, “ I do believe! Help my unbelief!” (Mk 9:22-25) The first step to any change is to want it, and not just kinda-sorta want it, but really, truly, deep-down with all your heart want it.

Why do I want to change? That is a question I need to fully investigate. Changing how much I procrastinate seems like a no-brainer, but other changes that I may want to pursue should be carefully considered. Change for the sake of change does not make me a better person, just a different person. But if a change will aid me in my journey to heaven and be of benefit to those around me, those are the ones I need to pursue. I also need to understand that sometimes I’ll succeed, but there will be many challenging times when I feel prompted to do something and instead sit down and say I’ll do it later. I need to remember that even living in-person with Jesus, the Apostles ran away when He was arrested. It’s only after the coming of the Holy Spirit that they were fortified enough to go to the ends of the earth to preach the Good News.

Usually change takes time. In this day of instant everything, the slow process of change can be frustrating to the point of quickly giving up. Its slowness can also mean that we don’t even realize we’re changing. While the gospels record Jesus healing numerous people instantly, even without Him being present, He also took three years to prepare His disciples and the people for His death, resurrection and ascension into heaven. It took the Israelites 40 years of wandering in the desert before they reached the promised land. If I give up on pursuing changing myself, I give up on the graces God has given me, and continues to give me, to help me change.

It may take a lifetime, and that’s okay. I just need to keep reminding myself, change begins with me.

Catholic Girl Journey

God’s blessing

The other day I was chatting after Mass with our recently ordained deacon and one of the women from the parish. She was telling us about a presentation she was excited to give, but asked us to pray that not only does she do well, but that the audience understands the information. Our deacon then proceeded to bless her efforts so that they bring glory to God. I was rather in awe to witness the moment. Afterwards, with a joyful grin, he indicated how much he loved blessing people and how he wished he could just bless everyone. What a marvelous attitude for someone with his vocation!

I knew that deacons had special privileges at Mass, like reading the Gospel and giving the homily, and that they could baptize as well. I don’t think, until that moment, that I realized deacons could give a blessing as well. What an amazing gift: to be the instrument of God and invoke His grace and blessing on His creation. A gift that is meant to be shared and given away to others.

While the ordinary lay person does not have quite the same power for blessing, we too can pray for a blessing over others: parents, children, siblings, friends and strangers. Asking God’s aid on behalf of another, in their presence, brings us closer together in the family of God. For some this may come easy, but for others it may seem awkward; the remedy is practice! God has blessed us with many gifts beyond that of prayer. Some are material while others are more intangible. They all are meant to be shared as well. As we share, from giving to the poor, to listening to a person’s troubles, to smiling at a stranger, we not only share the gifts that God has given us, we bring His blessing to others.

In the troubled world we live in, we can all use God’s blessings, especially when they are delivered by you and me.

Catholic Girl Journey

Wisdom of a paradox

Jesus ate and drank with sinners. His parables included giving more to those who had, and taking away from those who had little, as well as a landowner who paid the same full day’s wage to each worker no matter how long they toiled. And the ultimate paradox, is that through His crucifixion, Jesus saved us, giving eternal life to those who believe. With the bible littered with these examples, how are we to ever understand them so that we can apply the lessons to our lives?

I was knitting recently and started pondering that question, as knitting busys my hands so that my brain can think. Theological ideas can be hard to grasp even when they are straightforward, so wrestling with contrary ideas can be even more complicated. In a pause of my thought process, I turned to my knitting pattern, actually a chart of stitches, to confirm yet again that I was following it correctly. It was then that I realized how much knitting had in common with the paradoxes of the bible.

In knitting, there is really only one stitch, it just depends on which side you’re viewing it. On the “right” side, it is a knit stitch, but that same stitch on the reverse is a purl stitch. By including the reverse, or purl stitch in patterns, all various designs are created. Advanced knitters manipulate these two stitches to create lace, cables, bobbles, and all sorts of shaping. But in the end, it’s all just one stitch.

Then there is the pattern chart, like the one I was using. The “right” side, or that which faces out, starts at the bottom left, and the first row is read from left to right. The even rows are the back or “inside” of the garment and in a chart are read from right to left. Charts often indicate that a blank square equals a knit stitch on the front but a purl stitch on the back. That means reading from left to right on an odd row, I’m knitting the stitches and when I’m on an even row, or the back side, I’m purling those stitches. Why is the chart written that way? So that you can see what the final result of the pattern you are knitting will be.

Putting the lessons from the seemingly contradictory bible passages into practice is like knitting from a chart, only we may not see the whole chart, only the next ‘stitch’ we need to make in our lives. Or we may forget that above and below that knit stitch on the right side of the garment are purl stitches, the ‘backside’ of the knit stitch.

I’m not the first to struggle these seemingly illogical teachings. Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians, acknowledges that some teachings can be difficult to a logical mind, “For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to the  Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.” (1 Cor 1:22-25) Like following the knitting chart pattern, while we may see the big picture of the results, it can be confusing to try to understand the details in the same way. One has to keep on knitting before the chart begins to make sense, usually as the pattern starts emerging. Faith, hope and prayer keeps us open to God’s wisdom, allowing us to get a stitch or two deeper in His mysteries and teachings.

Catholic Girl Journey

Unexpected is not on the checklist

This past week has been crazy busy for me. I feel like I’ve been reduced to checklists, to make sure I accomplish as much as I possibly can, knowing that I can’t do it all. Church, work, home… all call for my time and attention.

One of the most significant items on my Saturday checklist was Abbey Fest in Paoli, PA. I bought my ticket months ago, well before realizing that work would also be competing for my time. As a result, I did not get there when the gates opened and missed the first two acts. It’s open seating, literally, on the grass wherever one can find room, and folks do tend to come throughout the day. The thought did cross my mind that just because I had a ticket didn’t mean that I had to go, but I think that was more of an evil temptation. I managed to find a nice spot with a good view of the stage and set up my chair and sat down. Doesn’t sound like much, but to be able to sit down, enjoying the fresh air and good, inspiring music was both restful and invigorating. As in previous years, I was glad I went, but this year I felt an unexpected joy immersing myself in the place and activities of Abbey Fest.  I found that is was what I really needed at that moment.

Another item on my checklist was to go to confession at Abbey Fest. While the abbey itself is open for folks to go in and pray, confessions are heard outside on the lawn, face-to-face. I’m not particularly fond of going face-to-face, since I usually end up crying, however it’s a bit easier there since the priests are from a variety of locations. The line was surprisingly short, although they did have quite a number of priests available, so my time to prepare was short. The priest was reverently humorous, which was very unexpected. It was one of the best confessional experiences I have had, as I truly felt that he was talking to me at my level. At the conclusion, I was considering asking the priest if I could hug him, but settled for letting him know what a great experience it was. He seemed a bit surprised and took no credit for it responding, “It’s all the Holy Spirit, not me.”

The speaker for the event was Paul J. Kim, who promotes himself as singer/speaker/inspirer. I was not familiar with his work, and even though his presentation and other events were not on my checklist, I found myself checking off each one. Paul‘s talents include making music with his mouth (and not just percussive instruments but even a trumpet sound!), as well as being able to convey thoughts, feelings and even doubts about religion and faith in a lighthearted and thought provoking way. I laughed out loud at his humor, which is unusual for me. And there were a number of times when I said to myself, “yup, I thought that way too.” Paul was able to dig down, deep into the core of the faith, and shed a different perspective to it. I was surprised to so thoroughly enjoy his presentation. It was a perfect prelude to the headline act, Matt Maher, who not only gave a fabulous show, introducing a few new songs, but led us in adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, the true highlight of the whole day.

The unexpected may not be on the checklist, but it was a real delight to have so many experiences all wrapped up into one Abbey Fest event.

Catholic Girl Journey

God love you

How much does God love you? As our Creator, God loves us each and individually. It’s a concept that one hears over and over again, but without seeing/interacting with God as a being, it can be hard to understand.

Jesus, the divine Son of God, came down to earth, and became man. I believe it, and yet it’s still difficult to understand. Jesus gave His life for us, dying on the cross so that He could descend into the darkest part of our humanity, death, and triumph over it by rising from the dead. I believe it, am humbled by it, in awe of it, and yet it does not help me to understand how much God loves me, Karen, as an individual.

God, in His infinite wisdom understands this, after all He did create me. To help me, He blessed me by allowing me to become a pet parent to my cat, Vera. I love the creature she is, even in her impish times when I’m completely frustrated with her behavior, but I’m glad she’s in my life. I love when she comes and sits on my lap and purrs. I enjoy her company and that simple act of her just being herself,. Even amidst the struggle of the medical issue she has, , I gladly endure the pain and heartache because of all the joy-filled moments she gives me daily.

While this may seem like a crazy cat lady talking about her cat, it’s really looking at relationships in a spiritual light. If I can have such a strong connection with another creature who only sort of gets who I am and my actions, how much more does God know and love me? This is still an imperfect perspective, but helps me to get a glimpse of His love. Vera understands when I get out a toy that it’s playtime, and when I pick up her bowls and take them to the kitchen that it’s feeding time. She also understands when the spray bottle comes out that she needs to stay out of the kitchen or off the dining table. She’s an intelligent creature, but sees things from a cat perspective. I see God from a human perspective, so my understanding of Him pales in comparison to who He really is and what all He does for me.

So every time that Vera jumps up on my lap, kneads before settling down, purring the whole time, I thank God for bringing Vera into my life. And then I thank Him for the unfathomable amount of love He has for me.

Catholic Girl Journey

Better or worse

“It can’t get any worse than this, can it?’” Every time I hear someone say that, I cringe. Life can always be better, and it can always be worse. Our lives are a set of choices and events and the intersection of the two. Regardless of what’s going on, however, God is always with us, loving us and blessing us.

When life seems to throw us a curveball of overwhelming circumstances to deal with, it can be very easy to wonder where God is in the midst of it. And when one more thing is piled on top of the heap, we can feel like we’ve hit our maximum. And perhaps that is true for some, but for others they may be stretched further; so in their case, it can be worse. But God is there with us, in every sigh and tear. He may even be blessing us by making our burdens just a little bit lighter or preventing them from getting too heavy, but since we can’t see things from His perspective, we may wonder what His role is in our lives.

In Jesus’ address to the disciples regarding love for our enemies, He says the Father “makes the sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends the rain on the just and the unjust.” (Matthew 5:45) God has not created the world just to abandon it, rather He loves all His creation and wants to bless it, regardless of whether one believes or not, whether one obeys His commands or not. Even in the smallest details like sunshine and rain He bestows on all. I don’t think we can ever really know what life would be like without God since He is with us always and helping us along the way.

As a follower of Christ, I take comfort in knowing he is always present; it brings me a sense of peace in difficult circumstances. However, my initial reactions when challenging times come may not be as Christian as I expect of myself. I wonder if the saints ever reached the point where they accepted all challenges without struggling.  St. Augustine said, “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in You.” Perhaps as we continue our faith journey, we can learn to rest in the Lord, thanking Him for the blessings — both the obvious ones and those that only He knows.

Catholic Girl Journey

Faith skirmishes

Our faith is  under assault every day on many different fronts. Some are outright battles, but others I would consider skirmishes: subtle comments or situations that put down people of faith or the faith itself. It’s up to us to recognize these attacks and counter their effect on our own faith journey.

I attended a webinar for my work about the digital transformation in marketing, how websites, emails and social media have changed the way companies interact with their customers. One would not expect  to have faith attacked while listening to such a speaker, but after a rather callous comment from the presenter, I was sorely tempted to hang up. He claimed the Church opposed the printing press because they didn’t want anyone to read the Bible! St. Jerome, way back in the 5th century and well before the printing press, said, “Ignorance of Scripture is ignorance of Christ.” We do need to read, if not the Bible, then passages from it daily in order to keep the Word of God in mind. In some sense the Church was the first printing press, as many monasteries copied books, both religious and classical literature.  They kept books from being lost to time during the fall of the Roman empire and the period of unrest that followed it. If I didn’t know these tidbits of history, hearing a derogatory comment like the one mentioned during a business presentation could be a seed planted that would eventually have a negative impact on my relationship with God.

Another example: in a recent crime drama I watched that was set in 1920s Australia, the rich and worldly main character was horrified at the conditions of a laundry service run by a local convent. This was back in the day when the laundry was all done by hand; it was hard labor. The convent sheltered and cared for orphaned and troubled girls; they were the ones who did the actual laundry. The character seemed shocked that the girls were only given very modest housing in exchange for their labor. It’s very easy to look at that scene through modern eyes and be quick to judge the Church. While this is a fictional story, images and situations like this presented in a purely secular way even if they are based on truth seem to scream ‘unfair.’ What is unfair is the one-sided presentation. Many religious take a vow of poverty, when they open their home to share it with others, they open it as it is: simple and modest. I’m sure if the character ever heard the life of St. Francis of Assisi, she would be just as shocked that he gave up all his worldly possessions to become poor so as to be a better servant to God. By delving into the lives of the saints, we can broaden our understanding to our own calling as well as to see life from a different perspective.

When faced with a faith skirmish, let it be unsettling for us; let it cause us to dig deeper and ponder it. Let it be an opportunity to learn about our faith and its history. Let it become part of the armor of God that we wear. “And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” (Ephesians 6:17)

Catholic Girl Journey

The known unknown

After 15 years, it was time to replace my mattress. I had gotten to the point where I had to sleep at the very edge, else I’d wake up with more aches than when I went to bed. But after delivery of a new mattress, I realized I could not really enjoy it, at least not  consciously, since I was asleep. However, a great deal of the true joy and appreciation of the new mattress comes when I get a full, restful and supportive night’s sleep.

For many, one third of the day is spent sleeping. While we are still ourselves, there is a bit of mystery in sleep. There are fields of study and medicines for insomniacs or for those with narcolepsy who sleep too much. There is just as much  research for those of us in the middle and just as many products to help us get the best sleep we can. But there is no way to tell how these products help unless someone completes a night’s sleep, or fails to do so. Sleep is the known unknown required of us all. We all participate  but sleep is unique for each one of us.

Our faith journey is a known unknown also.  We believe in God, but can only know Him as much as our finite brain can know the infinite. There is much study and many practices to lead us on the journey: some work, others don’t. Sometimes we can tell when they don’t work, just like the sleep aids that don’t help us sleep. But some we won’t be able to evaluate until our journey, like a night of sleep, gets us to a place of peace or causes us more pain.

The closest way our faith journey resembles a night of sleep is in our total surrender to it. Just because we give ourselves and our lives over to the Lord does not mean we are mindless or that we lose our sense of self. Rather it is when our lives are like a good night of restful sleep that we can see we are more ourselves. We become who God meant us to be and bring more of His light to the world. And each journey is as unique as the way we sleep.

It may be only when we fall asleep in Christ that we will be able to realize what a difference our faith journey has had, not only to ourselves, but to each and every soul we have met on the way. And maybe it is then that we will be able to fully enjoy the fruits it brings with the other saints in heaven.