relationship with God

Catholic Girl Journey

Finding yourself

Who are you? How do you describe yourself in relation to others?

“Who do you think you are?” is the TLC show that features a celebrity researching their ancestors. They may start out in another country and trace the travels of a particular generation. They find out about the marriages, births and deaths from church and government documents. They get a glimpse of life in previous centuries with land deeds, wills and marriage contracts. After watching a few episodes, I found it interesting how much learning about the people in one’s past affected the seekers. In one instance, it was disappointing to find out that a pattern of father leaving his family occurred over several generations. Another was amazed with all the experiences and trials that his ancestors had gone through. It was evident that finding the details of the people’s lives touched them at a personal level.

In watching the effect the knowledge had on the seekers, I found a similarity of seeking out the bits of information to try to paint the picture of the ancestors’ lives, to that of learning about Jesus. If learning about the people in previous generations can touch a person’s heart, how much more can learning about Jesus change our lives? While the Gospels are not a daily diary of Jesus actions, they paint a much bigger picture of Jesus’ life and about the lives of the people He touched. No matter how often I read the same scripture passage, often I see a different perspective that leads me to a deeper relationship with Him. They are more than just a catalog of where he was or what he said in a government inquiry, they convey His teaching of God and how we can have a relationship with Him.

I just don’t think, I know I am a child of God. And there is no limit to what you can learn when you continually seek Him.

Catholic Girl Journey

Fire is not just for hell

In a recent homily, the priest mentioned being a “pyromaniac for the Holy Spirit.” It was quite an interesting phrase, which made me think about fire. Traditionally, when I think of fire in a spiritual context, I think of hell. But at Pentecost, “tongues as of fire, which parted and came to rest on each one of them” describes the Holy Spirit. (Acts 1:3). How can fire be used to illustrate  these two opposites?

As for hell, Jesus referred to the unquenchable fires of Gehenna (Mark 9:43-48). In His time, Gehenna was a smoldering place where refuse of all types, including the bodies of criminals, was discarded. In Revelation, hell is described as a pool of fire and sulfur. Sulfur burns with a blue flame and a suffocating odor. It doesn’t take much of that smell to make one breathless.  In any case, it is a place without life and apart from God.

However, Jesus also said, “I have come to set the earth on fire, and how I wish it were already blazing!” (Lk 12:49). It is with this burning desire that He speaks of His “baptism” that he needs to undergo; and of His passion, death and resurrection, which will open for humanity the ability to be reconciled with God, to love God and do His will. The gift of the Holy Spirit, represented by tongues of fire at Pentecost,  manifests Jesus’ continuing desire. As a result of this burning love and desire, we have the Church and the persuasive preaching of the Apostles to turn people to Jesus and the Way He taught.

So what is the difference between the two fires? Hell is the fire of destruction. It distorts and eventually consumes what it is burning. It is a place of misery, where even the simple act of breathing is labored and undesirable.

The other fire is that of creation, like melting down precious metal to its liquid state and refashioning into beautiful works of art. It does not change the true essence, but transforms into beyond what it originally was. And when one sees such a creation, inspiration for change can result.  

Every baptized and confirmed Catholic has received the Holy Spirit. We are all called to be “pyromaniacs” for Holy Spirit: to spread the Word of Jesus and of His love and mercy, and to invite each person into a personal relationship with Him.

Catholic Girl Journey

Honoring Mom

With Mother’s Day fast approaching, I was thinking about how God has blessed me with an earthly mother and a spiritual mother, the Blessed Virgin Mary. While they are very different people, they do share some similarities.

From Mary’s encounter with Gabriel at the annunciation, to the encounter with Simeon at presentation in the Temple; through the crucifixion on Calvary to the descent of the Holy Spirit in Jerusalem, Mary lived through times she did not understand. Instead of turning away, she patiently listened and pondered these things in her heart (Luke 2:19).

My mom does not understand my work. While I do my best to explain it, it’s still beyond her understanding. But mom patiently listens to me when I need to talk about my struggles and celebrates with me in my successes.

At the marriage feast in Cana, Mary volunteered Jesus to resolve the lack of wine issue (John 2:5). Maybe it’s a “mom thing,” as my mom likes to volunteer me for various odd jobs that need to get done. It’s in those moments that I need to look to Jesus as a role model, not just doing the job, but doing it to the best of my ability and without complaint.

God was the center of all of Mary’s life. From the cradle to the grave, she participated in Jesus’ life, sharing the joys and sorrows. One of the best gifts my mom has given me is the example of participating in the Mass. Every Sunday her focus was on the altar and every response was said clearly and every song was sung. It was never rushed, but would match the congregation, whether it was fast or slow. As a child, I learned to worship God as part of a community, by following my mother’s example.

May God’s blessing flow on all the moms who set good examples to lead their children to Him. Happy Mother’s Day!

Catholic Girl Journey

Celebrate 50 days

Happy Easter! Yes, that is not a typo, it is still the Easter season. But Easter day seems so long ago, it’s easy to forget that we are still celebrating

The Church in her wisdom gives us 40 days to prepare for the most sacred time of the year. The celebration of Easter itself lasts for 50 days: the first 40 lead up to the Ascension of Jesus into heaven and then 10 days later, we commemorate Pentecost, when the Holy Spirit descended upon the Apostles.

It’s interesting to notice how much we relax our discipline after Easter Sunday. Penances like abstaining from meat and fasting are not typical during this season, but why not sacrifice time to go to an additional Mass during the week or take the time to read scripture? Why is it so easy to say that since it’s not Lent anymore, we don’t “have” to go beyond the minimum? It seems to me that the Easter season should be a time to intensify these practices in thanksgiving for this season.

When you look at  the Christmas season, most people celebrate from Thanksgiving through either Christmas or New Year’s day, about 30 days.  We include Advent in the Christmas celebration although for the Church, they are separate. The actual celebration of Christmas doesn’t begin liturgically until December 25th, but it continues through the Baptism of the Lord, the second Sunday after Christmas.  You may have noticed that the parish Christmas decorations don’t usually come down until then.  But, by way of contrast, with Easter, we tend to celebrate only one day  with a special family meal after the Easter Mass. Is it because Christmas has been embraced more by the secular culture or because we have lost the wonder of the Resurrection?

After participating in the “Consoling the Heart of Jesus” retreat by Fr. Gaitley, I started praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy as a Novena. I’m on my fourth iteration since  Good Friday. It was not my intention to do multiple novenas, but somehow it didn’t seem right to stop saying it. Yes, it does add about another 10 minutes to my morning prayer time, and sometimes it does get pushed to the end of the day. In order to keep the days straight, I’ve had to mark the novena day number in my Magnificat. I don’t know if I  will continue after Pentecost, I’ll leave that up to the Holy Spirit to move me!

Catholic Girl Journey

Instant change

I was preparing to lector for a daily Mass, and the reading happened to be Paul’s conversion (Acts 9:1-20). Part of my preparation is to read out loud, and hearing this powerful passage made me take a closer look.

The writer of Acts does not shy away from bold statements, and the chapter begins, “Now Saul, still breathing murderous threats against the disciples of the Lord…” It’s clear that Saul doesn’t just dislike the disciples; he wants to put an end to this group known as The Way, even if it means killing all the followers of Jesus. However, the official letters he requested from the high priest were not for putting them to death, rather that, “he might bring them back to Jerusalem in chains.” Perhaps he had hoped that these followers could be reconditioned or convinced to return to the proper Jewish practices. Perhaps it’s this passion, this zealousness for God, that makes room in his heart for conversion.

Saul’s encounter with Jesus came in a blinding flash of light that caused him to close his eyes and fall to the ground. In this vulnerable state, Jesus spoke to him: “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?” The encounter leaves him blind, requiring his fellow travelers to lead him by the hand into Damascus. For three days, he was left in prayer, he neither ate nor drank. What must have gone through his mind during this time? There was probably a good amount of ‘what have I done’ during his meditation. But perhaps all the exposure to the disciples’ teaching started to sink in, including the debates Stephen participated in prior to his martyrdom which Saul witnessed. Is there a deliberate connection between the three days that Jesus spent in the tomb and this three day hiatus in Saul’s life? When he was baptized, Saul’s old life was washed away and new life in Jesus’ resurrection took root, so that “he began at once to proclaim Jesus in the synagogues, that he is the Son of God.”

Reading the twenty lines of this major transformation makes it seem like it happened in an instant. But it took Saul three days of being blind, praying, fasting to prepare for this baptism and his new life for Christ. He went from being the persecutor to being the persecuted. The results are the fourteen letters he wrote to the Christian communities, timeless messages that continue to be relevant to Jesus’ followers even today.

Catholic Girl Journey

Peace in forgiveness

A few weeks ago, I found myself in a situation where I was angry and hurt. It was as if I were about to explode. I did not want to lash out; but how could I help it, when anger was all I was feeling?

Upon some reflection, I felt the need to pray and, fortunately, was able to find a private space to do just that. However, even as I asked the Lord to take the anger away, it seemed as if it was intensifying. Why? Why was it getting worse? Suddenly, I realized that I was holding tightly to the anger, and as much as I wanted to defuse it, I kept focusing on it. The more I thought about how angry I was, the angrier I got.

A colleague once shared that in times of work trials he says to himself, “Exhale stress; breathe in peace.” I tried his advice, asking Jesus for His peace with each in breath. But to breathe out the anger, I had to let it go. I had to forgive, even in the midst of my hurt. I felt it wasn’t fair that I was hurting, but anger was not going to make me feel any better. I had to mentally acknowledge that while I felt hurt, I needed to forgive and not hold the person’s actions against them. So with each breath out, I would think forgiveness and with each breath in, I would think of Christ’s peace.

Focusing on such an involuntary action as breathing helped me to begin to relax. Listening to the rush of air go out, it almost sounded angry. Each breath in barely made a sound, yet I could feel it fill my lungs. Forgiveness….then peace.

After a few concentrated breaths, I felt I was ready to return to the situation. Yes, I was still hurt, but I no longer felt that I was going to retaliate and hurt someone else’s feelings. I was able to find the peace of Jesus through forgiveness. What a gift!

Catholic Girl Journey

Know you are loved

Sometimes a song can hit a note in our heart, especially when we’re not expecting it. I was listening to KLOVE, a Christian Radio station, and the song that hit me was “You Are Loved” by Stars Go Dim.

In the song’s refrain they sing, “Just look up; know you are loved.” While that may not seem at all earth-shattering, I happened to look up just as they were singing that line and my eyes beheld the crucifix. Perhaps because we celebrated the passion, death and resurrection of Jesus so recently, tears just welled up in my eyes. I don’t believe in coincidence, so for me, it was God’s way of saying, “I love you” in that moment.

The song is a very truthful song, it’s about how people hide their true feelings and get buried in the insecurities  of trying to be  who everyone else expects them to be. It’s a great reminder that no matter where we are in our life’s journey, Jesus is there with us, loving us and encouraging us along the way.

Every moment God loves us. The evidence is all around us: in the earth and its bounty, in the animals, birds and creatures we encounter, as well as every person we meet. They were all made with love from God and they are a gift to each of us, individually. But since we see these every day, we may take them for granted and forget their origin. Being human, we tend to question, “just how much does God love us?” That’s when we  should look at Jesus on the cross; He loved us so much He was willing to die for us.

So look up, look around and see the love that God has for you. And if you need to, look at Jesus on the cross.   

Catholic Girl Journey

Rolling back the stone

He walked on water. He healed many people of blindness, leprosy and deafness. Not only did He heal some close to death, but raised several from the dead. And His last act of healing was to take all the sins: past, present and future, on His shoulders and die. He conquered from the cross.

Jesus’ resurrection is a mystery, not so much that He was able to come back to life, but the amazing salvation that it brings. It’s amazing to me, that in preparation for the future, Jesus established the sacrament of the Eucharist the night before He died. After the 40 days of Lent with a focus on repentance, Holy Thursday Mass provides a refreshing celebration before the solemn liturgy of Good Friday is observed. Christ is taking care of us, knowing that after 40 days of prayer, fasting and almsgiving, we need a reprieve so that we have the spiritual strength to reflect on His passion.

I’ve heard in more than one homily inviting us to journey through the passion and death of Jesus at a personal level: He died for me and my sins. I know in order for Jesus to rise from the dead, He needs to die, but it is hard to participate in the gospel reading saying, “Crucify him, crucify him!” Every time I sin, in thought, word and deed, it’s like I’m saying that to Jesus, but I don’t think of it in the moment. It’s not until I say that as part of the liturgy that I realize what my sin has cost.

But the end of the story is not the death of Jesus to pay for our sins. He rises from the grave on Easter Sunday, rolling the stone away and casting the burial cloths aside. He gives new life to us and the opportunity to come close to Him; to love Him like He loves us. In this Easter season, let us roll back the stone of sin from our hearts and let the risen Jesus in to heal us so we can more fully live in His love.

Catholic Girl Journey

Don’t forget God’s mercy

I’ve heard more than one person comment, “ I already know I’m going to hell…” Each time, I am surprised that the person finds this acceptable. Circumstances have prevented me from inquiring why a person would believe that, but makes me stop and ponder.

If the only way one viewed God is as a judge, marking every wrong against any good, it would be very easy to condemn oneself. But when you look at the lives of the saints, St. Paul and St. Augustine come to mind, some start out with a negative balance, yet they were able to make it to heaven.

However, if one insisted on getting their own way, for instance living together outside of marriage, I could see how in this circumstance it would be hard to practice the faith, since one could not confess the sin, as there is no intention of avoiding it in the future. However, to believe oneself is condemned to hell is to not allow the possibility of God’s mercy.

In the story of the prodigal son, the errant man has enough confidence in his father’s generosity to his servants to go back and seek a place among them, just so that he could live. (Lk 15:17-19). God’s generosity to us has been shown in many ways, but none more than in Jesus being born, dying and rising from the grave.

St. Paul mentions that he was given a thorn in his flesh (2 Cor. 12:7-9), so we should not be surprised to find ourselves struggling with one particular sin over and over again. But it’s through this “thorn” that we should seek God’s mercy on us and not give up and condemn ourselves.

This imperfect life on earth does provide much distraction that can distance us with God. Having the possibility of purgatory is comforting to know that my earthly imperfections can be cleansed from my soul before spending eternity with God. St. Thérèse of Lisieux goes even further, saying that for souls that practice the little way, they can even bypass purgatory and go directly to heaven! (Story of a Soul)

In this lenten season of repentance in the year of mercy, let us pray for those who have forgotten that God does not look at the sum of a person’s faults, but rather is generous beyond measure, if they only seek His mercy. Jesus, I trust in Your mercy!

Catholic Girl Journey

Wrestling with wills

It’s not about me, it’s all about Him.  Lately I find  myself saying this repeatedly throughout the day. Every time I think, “I don’t want to do <insert chore>” or “I don’t feel like going there,” I notice I want my will to be done. I’m basing changes to my day on my wants and feelings. How selfish!

Bishop Robert Barron has often remarked that our lives are not about us. If we keep chasing our wants and catering to our feelings we will be in an endless circle without ever being satisfied. But if we center ourselves in Christ and God’s will for us, no matter what life throws at us, we will have the grace to deal with it.

It sounds so simple. The practice of it, however, is anything but easy – at least for me. I do believe that God’s will is best for me, even when I can’t understand His vision. Intellectually, I want to do His will. I even pray for help to do His will. But if I think about things deeply, I realize that I want God’s will to be what I want, when I want it. It’s in these moments when I see I’m trying to control things that I remind myself it’s not about me, it’s about Him.

What has surprised me the most about this effort to put God first is that it’s having a positive effect in my relationships with others. I find that when I’m conversing with  a friend , if I want to interject to describe how I handled a similar situation, I discover my brain saying to me, “it’s not about you, it’s about him (her).” Then I actually listen to what the person is saying, rather than wishing they would hurry up and finish so that I can talk about my experience.

I’m definitely still a work in progress in this effort. Seeing these small changes in me and my behavior does encourage me to keep trying. I hope and pray that I will one day be able find myself doing His will without thinking of my own at all.