This is not the post I wanted to write. Right now I’m trying to trust in God’s timing, because I do believe He knows what is best for me. However, I don’t know what that is, so each day has a level of struggle to it. But this is exactly what it means to be a Christian — to believe in the midst of the struggle.

In March I found out that the company I was working at was reorganizing and that as of the middle of June, I would no longer have employment there. While I was panicked at first, I did find peace as the details solidified around the timing. I had three months to start my job search and I put my whole effort into it. I even got as far as a final interview, and was wondering if I would stay until my end date. I was looking forward to writing about a post of how God took care of me (as He always does) and how wonderful He is. It’s now July and I have not found employment yet. I’ve submitted over 100 applications, and have some interest, but nothing further. Does that mean that God is not taking care of me? No, I know He still is. Does that mean He’s not wonderful? No, God will always be wonderful, no matter what happens. 

Some days, I can lean in and find true peace. I am calm and can find joy in the small things, and even in the crazy way my cats behave. Other days are more challenging. Some days are rather soggy; it can be frustrating to start crying without any specific thing prompting it. Then there are the days that I feel the struggle so deeply, that I feel ashamed at not having enough trust in God. The shame, though, is not from God, but from the evil one who wants me to break my faith in God. Even Jesus, when praying in the garden of Gethsemane, said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible to you. Take this cup away from me, but not what I will but what you will.” (Mark 14:36) While I start each morning with the surrender novena, this is the hardest season of practicing trust in God that I have experienced thus far. 

If I was in a position to retire, I think I’d be okay in filling my days with various activities and volunteer events. I am enjoying attending Mass during the weekday, and it’s a great way to get the day started. However, my days are filled with online job searching, applying, tracking the applications, and all the other little details that one doesn’t think about unless they are in these circumstances. I’m using the LinkedIn app, which is part job postings and part professional social media. Some of the posts indicate that folks have been searching for six months, a year, or even longer. Some are on the verge of losing their home. I need to find something within the next six months, or I fear I will lose my home too. As hard as it sounds, that may be God’s will for me. Just the thought brings me to tears. In the book of Job, he lost everything. While he questioned God, he didn’t turn away from Him, and was rewarded with an even richer life. I know I’m no Job, but I have jokingly said to God that the longer it takes for me to find a position, it better be something grand.

We are called always to rejoice in God, no matter what we are facing. “God gives and God takes away; blessed be God,” is one of the phrases that comes to mind. As much as I do try to find joy in the little things, when tears are streaming down my face, words seem impossible, let alone trying to praise God in that moment. I’m trying to remind myself that I’m still on a faith journey, which won’t end in this lifetime. Another reminder is the saying, “God does not give us more than we can handle.” While that is meant to be a comfort, sometimes it feels that God has way more confidence in what I can handle than I do. I am practicing my trust in God. I am trying to put my faith over my fears of what’s to come. As someone who plans things out in advance, these circumstances are especially stressful. It’s definitely giving a whole new meaning to the words of the Our Father, “give us this day our daily bread,” where we ask for just what we need for the day we are in. 

I know God loves me, no matter what happens, and He will see me through it, no matter how unpaletable it is to me. The job market is saturated with all the layoffs happening all over the country. I pray for all of those who are in the same struggle I am. Yet, my prayer is my favorite first two lines of Psalm 103: 

Bless the LORD, oh my soul; and all my being, bless his holy name!
Bless the LORD, oh my soul; and forget not his benefits.