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Catholic Girl Journey

Wrestling with wills

It’s not about me, it’s all about Him.  Lately I find  myself saying this repeatedly throughout the day. Every time I think, “I don’t want to do <insert chore>” or “I don’t feel like going there,” I notice I want my will to be done. I’m basing changes to my day on my wants and feelings. How selfish!

Bishop Robert Barron has often remarked that our lives are not about us. If we keep chasing our wants and catering to our feelings we will be in an endless circle without ever being satisfied. But if we center ourselves in Christ and God’s will for us, no matter what life throws at us, we will have the grace to deal with it.

It sounds so simple. The practice of it, however, is anything but easy – at least for me. I do believe that God’s will is best for me, even when I can’t understand His vision. Intellectually, I want to do His will. I even pray for help to do His will. But if I think about things deeply, I realize that I want God’s will to be what I want, when I want it. It’s in these moments when I see I’m trying to control things that I remind myself it’s not about me, it’s about Him.

What has surprised me the most about this effort to put God first is that it’s having a positive effect in my relationships with others. I find that when I’m conversing with  a friend , if I want to interject to describe how I handled a similar situation, I discover my brain saying to me, “it’s not about you, it’s about him (her).” Then I actually listen to what the person is saying, rather than wishing they would hurry up and finish so that I can talk about my experience.

I’m definitely still a work in progress in this effort. Seeing these small changes in me and my behavior does encourage me to keep trying. I hope and pray that I will one day be able find myself doing His will without thinking of my own at all.

Catholic Girl Journey

Good…better…best

Have you ever had one of those days when your best just didn’t seem good enough? You then start to think that what you’re doing isn’t the best you can do. Sometimes that’s true, if you average out against your whole life. But at the moment, it’s all you can do.

Lent seems to bring those days more often, perhaps because we are paying attention to what we are doing. At the very least, one needs to pay attention to the day of the week, so that meat is not consumed on Fridays. For me, I’ve expanded my no-chocolate-eating days during Lent from three last year to four this year, and in doing so, I’ve changed the days I allow myself to have a treat. It makes me stop and think, more than just the day of the week and not so much ‘can I eat this’ but ‘should I eat this.’ I’ve found myself thinking that I should be fasting more and pondering how can I do better with almsgiving. Perhaps this is to help prepare me for next year’s Lent, but for now, it’s only serving anxiety that my best is not good enough.

Taking a deep look at ourselves, our actions  and attitudes is a good thing and can help us see areas that we need to cultivate and grow stronger. It’s not meant to deflate what we are doing because it is not “enough”. However, God loves us just as we are in this very moment, warts and all. In our moments when we’d like to say, “I just can’t do this anymore,” we need to remember the cross. Jesus conquered when He gave His life for us on the cross. But our struggles have merit too, especially when we offer them up to be combined with Jesus’ suffering. While it may not be our personal best, we can offer our challenges as a small good thing to be multiplied beyond what our personal best could provide.

Jesus tells the story of the persistent widow and the unrighteous judge, who eventually provides a just ruling because of the widow’s continuous pleading. (Luke 18:1-8) While this particular story is primarily about praying constantly, it can serve as a reminder that we always need to give our best, even when it seems lacking.  

Catholic Girl Journey

Sign of the Cross

For many years, I thought of the Sign of the Cross as something I said before and after my prayers, but never considered it a prayer by itself. After all, Mass starts and ends with it, but it’s what is between the start and end that counts, right? When we declare, “In the name…,” it’s like we are saying that everything that will happen or has just happened is to be claimed by God. Here you go, God. I’m giving You this time of prayer, letting You know what I’m giving You by making this declaration before and after my prayers. Usually it was accompanied with a rather sloppy waving of my hand to my head before dropping it down to my chest for a quick wave that started at one shoulder and just pointed to the other.

“In the name of the Father,” we declare ourselves to be His children. Jesus told us to call God our Father. While God is our Lord and Master, it is not how He wants to be known. He wants us to know Him as a father; one who provides for our needs and comes to our aid.

“…and of the Son…,” we acknowledge that we believe Jesus to be the Son of God. He is not just some nice guy that said cool things and turned water into wine for the party. As children of God (since we call Him, Father), then calling Jesus His Son makes Jesus our brother. It makes Him family.

“…and of the Holy Spirit…” we name the Love that exists between the Father and Son. In the Trinity of God exists this third person. In John 14:16, Jesus speaks of sending the Advocate or Counselor to be the Spirit of truth for the apostles. It is this Spirit that descends upon them in tongues of fire, prompting them to proclaim the gospel. It’s the same Spirit we receive in baptism and confirmation, not only marking us for Christ, but giving us our mission to be the Church of God on earth.

“…Amen.” The term ‘amen’ means ‘so be it’ or ‘truly.’ But St. Paul puts it best when he says, “For all the promises of God find their Yes in Him. That is why we utter the Amen through Him, to the glory of God.” (2 Cor. 1:20)

In this short prayer, we claim our relationship with God as a member of the family and our belief in the mystery of the Trinity. This weighty little prayer deserves as much concentration and intention as anything that follows in between.

Catholic Girl Journey

You are beautiful

You are beautiful. When is the last time you heard that? In our culture, it seems the measurement of beauty is only on the outside. But we are more than just flesh, we are also spirit and action.

We are made in the image and likeness of God and that alone makes us all beautiful, especially in God’s eyes. After all, when He reviewed His creation after man, He deemed all of it “very good.” (Genesis 1:31) Sin creates a layer of spiritual “dirt” that mars God’s handiwork, but it does not destroy it; the beauty is still there. In baptism, we are washed clean of original sin. But as the dirt starts to build up again, a good confession and receiving the Eucharist can wash us clean again.

The actions we perform can be a powerful indicator to others of the beautiful people we are. From feeding the hungry to patiently listening to another, we can be a light to those we help. When we follow God’s will for us, the beauty of His creation shines through.

The season of Lent calls us to dig deeper in repentance, but we need to know what we are fighting for: our beauty. If sin covers our beauty, then making the effort to avoid sin, along with God’s grace and will, can give us the strength to battle temptations and call on the Lord for help. And in doing so, we can strengthen our relationship with God and reflect the beauty He created us to be.

Catholic Girl Journey

Happy Ash Wednesday

“Go and learn the meaning of the words, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ I did not come to call the righteous but sinners.” (Matthew 9:13) This quote from Jesus is a perfect theme for Lent this year. In this Year of Mercy, Pope Francis calls us to a very special Lent. We are called not to give up chocolate or sweets, but rather to give others mercy.

Lent is the season of repentance; a time to look at our life and make an extra effort to purge ourselves of obstacles in our relationship with God. If we are asking God be merciful to us, showing mercy to others seems like a natural extension. But our human nature can turn this into a difficult task. In some sense, showing mercy is a kind of sacrifice. It’s giving up the anger we have towards another. It’s abstaining from talking negatively about a person or situation. And one of the spiritual works of mercy is to bear wrongs patiently which means sacrificing pride.

We often associate mercy with forgiveness, but they are not necessarily the same thing. One definition for the word ‘forgive’ is to ‘cease to feel resentment against.’ However for mercy, it is to ‘pardon someone or to mitigate punishment’ as well ‘an act of kindness, compassion or favor.’ I think it takes a lot of prayer and divine assistance to truly forgive another, but we can take a step towards forgiveness by showing mercy. It might mean trying to look at the situation from their point of view and treating others the way we want to be treated.

Today is the first of 40 days this Lent when we can focus on how we practice the gift of mercy towards others. We may not get it right each day, but if we keep trying, perhaps come Easter, we will have a better understanding of Jesus’ command for mercy rather than sacrifice.

Catholic Girl Journey

Talking too much

My parish recently started the program Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Fr. Gaitley. In reading the first assignment, I felt rather chagrined as it described people coming to visit Jesus in prayer, giving Him their requests, and leaving. How many hours have I spent before the Blessed Sacrament with my own soliloquy?

Being human, the best way to connect with others is to see them face-to-face and hear their direct responses to what I say. I can’t do that with God, but seeing the consecrated Host in the monstrance is the next best thing. As everything I have comes from God, I do try to thank Him for the gifts and blessings He has bestowed. I try to be conversational when I talk to Him, describing my hopes, fears and challenges. But I have noticed that I don’t always give Him a chance to respond.

There are times when I wish I could hear God telling me clearly His response, even though it might be rather terrifying to hear a voice talking to me. But when I just keep jabbering about my thoughts and feelings, I’m not usually paying attention to see if God is responding in some way. Do I assume that God will “fix” things once I put my “order” in with Him? I may tell Him that I want His will to be done, but do I want it to happen His way or mine?

On the occasions when I notice that I’m doing all the talking, I try to stop myself and just be in Jesus’ presence. It usually doesn’t take very long before a stray idea comes to mind and I start talking again. Being more aware of what I’m saying when I am in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament is the first step in opening up to Jesus. It will take a lot of practice to get better, but I have an hour every week to try. I hope that if I can improve my face-to-Host openness to God, I will be able to hear Him clearly in my daily life also.

Catholic Girl Journey

Carrying your cross

The fourth sorrowful mystery of the Rosary is Jesus carrying His cross to Calvary. We are all called to carry our cross and I’ve been pondering what this means.

Crosses can come in many different shapes, sizes and types. Sometimes they are of a physical nature, others can be mental or spiritual. Maybe they are the bad habits or the sins we find ourselves confessing again and again. It may seem our crosses control us and we have no power over them. So how can one carry such a thing? Perhaps, like a journey, carrying a cross comes in stages.

As with any problem or issue, unless you acknowledge it, you can’t do anything about it. When we recognize the obstacle that keeps us away from God, we pick up that cross. Acceptance is the first step. For the longest time, my idea of carrying a cross was accepting it. I would say, “Okay God, you gave me this cross; I’ll carry it.” But it seemed  I was just holding on to it and not progressing in my journey to God.

A cross is not something we do battle with, but a tool that can help us practice virtues. Embracing our cross is not about allowing ourselves to commit that sin and then confessing it. Rather embracing it is praying for help and guidance regularly, not just in the moment of temptation. It is identifying the virtue opposite that sin and praying for that. Just as Jesus fell carrying His cross, we cannot think that we can succeed without falling, and many more times than Jesus did. But just as God provided Jesus with the helping hand of Simon, Jesus wants to help us with ours. In our moments of weakness, when we are frustrated in our progress, we can take comfort in the response Jesus had for St. Paul in his struggles. “He said to me, ‘My grace is enough for you, for in weakness power reaches perfection.’” (2 Corinthians: 12:9)

I am not at the point where I can boast of my weakness as St. Paul claims, but it is reassuring that someone so holy and amazing struggled like I do. And when I fall, Jesus is there extending His hand so I can rise, pick up my cross and carry on.

Catholic Girl Journey

Getting in shape with God

Many years ago, I was trying to get more exercise and looking for a way to energize myself for the effort. I thought saying the rosary while taking a walk might be the encouragement I needed, and it would allow me to check two things off my list at once. I tried it, but it was winter time, and bundling up for a walk at 6 AM was a nice novelty, but once was enough. I’m not sure if it was the cold, my lack of interest in getting healthy, the time of day, or the added prayer that squelched my enthusiasm; perhaps a combination of all of those factors.

I have been more successful lately with exercise inside. I am blessed to have some basic fitness equipment at my workplace, and I usually use the cross trainer twice weekly. There are often other employees who come in and use the provided televisions to watch a program as they work out. To me the television is an annoying distraction, maybe because I’m not interested in sports news, which is often the channel of choice. I usually listen to Christian music on my phone or tablet.

Once during the Christmas holidays, when I was trying to be as efficient as possible, I used an audio rosay app on my tablet while working out. Part of me felt guilty that I was exercising while saying the rosary, but when I got home that night, I was able to continue my Christmas baking with a bit more spring in my step. The next few times I went back to the standard praise music but kept wondering, what if I tried the audio rosary app again? So I did; several times. With the specific app that I have, I can say the Divine Mercy chaplet, the St. Michael chaplet and the rosary in a 40 minute workout. I do worry that every time I recite these prayers in the future, I will be reminded of working out. What if they become a chore with this association? But I have an alternative, and listening to music can be both uplifting and still help me focus on my relationship with God.

I think the difference for me this time around is my attitude. Even looking at exercise alone, I see it now as a need to keep the body God gave me working as best it can. Adding a layer of prayer, whether it’s praise music or scripted prayers, serves to remind me to say “thank you” for the body God provided. It’s giving back to Him what He gave to me.

 

Catholic Girl Journey

The journey of Christmas

Christmas is all about journeys. It starts out when Mary makes haste to visit Elizabeth. Then Mary and Joseph make their way to Bethlehem. The shepherds trek from the fields to the manger and the magi leave their far-off homes under the guidance of a star. What unites them all is that each  is a journey in faith.

Mary is greeted by Elizabeth with the title of ‘Mother of my Lord.’ Mary responds with her servant song. It’s the first of many journeys she will take with Jesus as he grows into a man.  These journeys all lead in one direction: to the cross, the tomb and ultimately to rising from the dead so as to pave the way to heaven for all of us.  Mary’s role is that of simply serving.

Joseph’s faith allows him to believe in his dream and to take his wife into his home and provide for her and for the child he knows is not his. He, along with Mary, will receive other visitors in Bethlehem. He will protect his family, leading them into Egypt until the threat to the child has passed.

The shepherds are awestruck as the angel makes his announcement. “Do not be afraid,” they are told. Whether it is fear of the angels or the curiosity of the message, they seek out the child in a manger. Their simple faith is rewarded when they find the baby Jesus, just as they were told, and respond by praising God.

The magi’s journey took them to a different country following a star. In the world around them, they noticed the changes in the night sky. Determining it meant the birth of a new king, they took it upon themselves to travel a long way to welcome the future ruler into the world. Their faith is rewarded when they find the child with Mary and pay Him homage.

Each journey is different. Each encounter with God is different. We cannot compare one with another, nor should we.  Each journey is important in its own way. Not all can be Mary or Joseph, but that does not mean their mission is any less meaningful. It’s when these stories are presented together as a whole that we see a marvelous picture emerging. The whole of humanity  is represented welcoming Christ into the world.  His journey on earth was just beginning in the Christmas story, but the story continues when each of us lays down our life to seek Jesus, adding our faith journey to all these others.   

Catholic Girl Journey

What a little boy can teach

We’re familiar with many Christmas songs and sometimes know all the words, but do we reflect on the meaning?

I listen to Christmas songs the whole month of December. My kind of song is “Joy to the World,” snappy and uplifting. While I do appreciate the slower, more serious songs, I often skip over them to get to more rocking music. This year, however, I have been captivated by “The Little Drummer Boy.”

It’s almost as if I was hearing it for the first time. We’re introduced to the boy who is being invited to join a group who will visit a newborn king. This is what Advent is all about, joining in the preparation for Jesus as the newborn king. We are invited to join, but it is up to us to accept and take action.

Upon the drummer boy’s arrival, he explains he is poor and has no gift, but he can play a song on his drum for the baby. This struck me as every person at any moment in life. We are all poor in God’s eyes, since everything we have is a gift He gives us. The only thing we can offer Him is to use the gifts and talents to the best of our ability. The other discovery is that the boy knows he is poor and still goes to see the king. How often do we think we need to hide our spiritual poverty or work to overcome it, rather than going to God and acknowledging it?

The boy plays a song for the baby, with the approval of Mary. Mary is our mother too, do we seek her counsel on the actions we take? The animals around the manger seem to keep time with the boy playing his song. Have you noticed when others are assisting you in your spiritual activities, encouraging you to do God’s will?

The baby smiles at the drummer boy when he completes his song. Have you ever pictured Jesus smiling at you for some kindness or work of mercy?

No matter how far I travel on my faith journey, there is always a new perspective. Sometimes it comes from a new experience, but it can come from something so familiar, that I can’t recognize the gift in front of me. I hope you have been blessed with many unexpected gifts this year. Merry Christmas!